A Unified Field Theory of Joe Biden
When Joe Biden ran for President in 2020, he hid in his basement and would make an occasional speech in which he explained his sole reason for being the best choice for the Presidency: “I am not Trump.”
Having won the election (maybe), now what? Well, this “I am not the Antichrist” bit has served me well thus far, let’s keep it up. So, He-Whose-Name-Must-Be-Spoken did a long list of things, I’ll just do the opposite! Let’s see. He put up a border wall. Well, I’ll just stop enforcing immigration laws at that border. Take that, you Nazi Scum!
More Regulations
He got rid of useless and economically questionable regulations. I’m not going to be responsible for all these unemployed regulators. Let’s assign each department a minimum number of regulations to be promulgated every week.
What else? Oh, that’s right, he held NATO members’ feet to the fire, effectively forcing them to keep their pledges regarding percentage of GDP spent on defense. That made our allies angry. It’s not nice to make people angry at you. So, I’ll tell the Europeans, “April Fools. We were just kidding. I mean, what could go wrong?”
Now, he kept spending to a minimum except for defense. What a crock! Defense will have to take its turn in line behind anti-racist bike paths and charging stations for electric buses and secret clinics where experts take guesses at what your sex is and then start cutting away at anything that doesn’t align with their guess.
Abraham Accords
And, of course, he brought relative peace to the Middle East by negotiating the Abraham Accords. That really only covers Jews and Arabs. There are many other ethnic groups in the Middle East, such as the Persians. So, since we’re not going to pump any oil ourselves, I’ll bring Equity to the Persians. When the Saudis see all of the advantages of Equity, Inclusion and whatever the D stands for, the world will be a better place.
Speaking of making the world a better place, we have to make sure that the MAGA Monster never takes office again. That fellow in New York, Albert Dragg, campaigned on a promise to put the white supremacist in jail. How do I know he’s a white supremacist? Well, everybody knows. What else can we do?
Felonies
Merrick is still pissed about not getting on the Supreme Court. I’ll bet he can lend a hand here with a few felony charges. Hey, Jill, get me the AG on the phone. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were playing Doctor with Hunter. Never mind. I’ll get somebody else to do it.
This is lots of work for one day. Time to go on vacation.
Hey, Bill, don’t forget that Trump kept us out of a major war.
Can’t have that, can we?
Za Ukraini!
Bravo!