Adult Observations for 2023
Sent to me by a fraternity brother. We haven’t seen one another in more than fifty years.
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
Comment>This is usually learned by married men before the first anniversary. We just celebrated our fifty-first anniversary and I’m getting closer.
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.
Comment>My wife makes most decisions because I’m tired of living with the aftermath of the ones I make.
When I get a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
Comment>We have one living child, she is nearing 50, and is almost ready to start making decisions on her own.
Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, "Close enough."
Comment>This may be the most infuriating thing for those of us in our golden years. Could they at least tell us how many characters, of what kind, are needed? Or, maybe, give us a hint or two? Our next-door neighbor is a sweet woman of 87 whose vocabulary of invective not meant for polite society has grown exponentially since we moved in.
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done.
Comment>This requires no explanation.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed. We're having a meeting.
Comment> Having been self-employed for the past twenty-plus years, I understand this one intuitively. I’m a writer. I can’t hold editorial conferences with my cat, the way Simulation Commander does, because we have two cats, sibling bobtails, who are deathly afraid of me. With good reason.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
Comment> He’s a rookie, only has one.
I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.
Today's 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favourite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
Comment Me, too.
Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.
Comment> Or when she’s hauling a wheelbarrel full of rocks. The ones I was supposed to move.
So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
Comment> I pay the neighbor boy to do my walking for me.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
Comment> I once walked into a gym by accident.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Comment> I’ll have to try that one.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
No comment
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
I’ve been meaning to join that group.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Comment> I once was trying to cancel a reservation and explain to the representative why I could not get the reservation number out of my briefcase. He replied, “What is snow?”
Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent one copy?
Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
No comment needed.
"On time" is, when you get there.
Amen.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.
Comment> Now, if I could just remember where I left the dryer.
"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
You're better off not having those meetings. Two cats could NEVER agree on specifically how you are wrong........ :)
HAHAHA!
ADULT, n. : the disheveled and demented result of a childhood gone awry
— DDR