Giving, Giving Away, Giving Up
We are financially comfortable. That doesn't mean wealthy, but one doesn’t need to be wealthy to be comfortable. We got here by living within our means. For many years we considered McDonald’s to be a special treat. We rarely spent more than $100 per person for Christmas. We always bought houses well within our budget. In short, we lived frugally.
We didn’t have much choice. Our youngest daughter was chronically ill from birth. At 18, in 1995, she was diagnosed with systemic lupus and given fifteen years to live. Linda, my wife, worked when she could but it was a case of fits and starts. In her forties she went back to school to train as a medical assistant. She was able to work after that but rarely for long; someone in the family was always in need of full-time nursing care.
In fact, after she had four years of work under her belt, she flew to Nashville to care for our older daughter after surgery, and it was non-stop after that. She nursed our youngest daughter through multiple illnesses, then her mother through her final illness, then my mother through her final illness.
Back to Giving. I began with $1 a month when I was in basic training, donated to Army Emergency Relief. We’ve increased that over the years and contribute $20 or $25 a month. The fund is exactly what it sounds like. When a soldier and/or the soldier’s family is in need, AER steps in. For several decades we’ve contributed to the Lupus Foundation (www.lupus.org) and to the National Eating Disorders Association.
My wife is a devout Christian and listens to a Christian music station in the car and at home. We send them money every month to support their mission. We contribute to our church (Nazarene, part of the Wesleyan tradition). That’s it on committed monthly giving. In addition, every month we find at least one situation in which help is needed. That ranges from funds for medical care or funerals for individuals in the community; funds for members of the community who have suffered storm damage. We live in the new Tornado Alley and have a magic protective bubble over our house.
Giving Our Time
Mostly we give our time. For years we ran Girl Scout troops in our basements (when we had them) or elsewhere. One year I co-taught a Sunday School class for Middle School students. Things were mostly going well until the subject of unconditional versus conditional love came up. I told them that they were coming into the time when their bodies change with puberty. They were getting into dating, and there would be pressure from a boyfriend or girlfriend. “If you love me, you’ll have sex with me.” That is conditional love, and it’s difficult to deal with because sex is a lot of fun. That’s when the Sunday School Supervisor chose to drop by.
I did a lot of tutoring, in part because we’ve always lived in mixed neighborhoods, I can empathize with those on the autism spectrum (I’m likely an ultra-high functioning autistic myself), and I speak multiple languages. My wife helps run the food bank at the church; many members bring in food, and we fill the gaps from local grocery stores. At the moment my wife is out helping a community member whose mother just died clean out the mother’s apartment in assisted living.
I’m now wheelchair-bound, so I do little of the in-person volunteering. I did organize a program in our small city in Ohio (whence we moved to Tennessee) that got its start when I volunteered as a Spanish translator in traffic court. We had what seemed like a quarter of El Salvador living in the area. The Spanish club at a nearby university gave each defendant an “integrator” to help him/her integrate into the neighborhood. The integrator called the county bar association and brow-beat an attorney into working with the immigrant. It didn’t matter if it was a Trust and Estates lawyer, attorneys learn how to ask questions and do research. I was not invited to the bar association’s Christmas Party.
Giving Away
Over my life I assembled an almost complete chest of wooden recorders; the ones I had were not toys. I played some with a Renaissance Group in Europe, usually alto recorder. I had a sopranino (concert quality), two sopranos (one concert, one rehearsal), an alto (concert) and a tenor (rehearsal). I didn’t ever get a bass. I had a chance to get one for twelve dollars in 1972, but we had just gotten married and had no extra money. I’ve given all of those away to our daughter, who works in the music industry.
Following our younger daughter’s death, we’ve given away the small refrigerator used to store medications, a few hundred dollars in ostomy care supplies, many boxes of clothing, her bed, her recliner, and untold other possessions. We’ve given away our sofa, a few chairs, a whole lot of tables and more other “stuff” than I can recall.
Giving Up
About four years ago I gave up control of my medications to our younger daughter. I could no longer remember when to take which. My wife now fills that duty. I’ve managed our finances since we got married; I’ve given that up to my wife.
I know I have little time left. I’m not giving up on living, but I’m realistic. I think I’ve arranged our finances to the point where my wife will be able to live comfortably. We’re returning the oxygen separator and oxygen tank we’ve had in the house for years; there is no longer any reason for Medicare to pay for them. I have a Nebulizer which lets me medicate my lungs with albuterol, which opens airways. We look around the house every week for things we’re not using and offer them to others. When we do that I try to stay out of sight as much as possible.
We’ve always been able to provide food, shelter, medical care and clothing for our family. We’ve led blessed lives, and kept two precepts in mind:
1. God helps those who help themselves
2. Shit happens.
You sure as heck have nailed life.
Well done, Bill.
Thank you Bill for sharing your life story.
Living is real. Love is real too. All of us need each other. I am grateful that you have a loving wife to
help you.