The pink hat Squamish players were declared evil because they had something called privilege, and soon cities all over were burning while teachers refused to go to work and munchkin rulers made up rules for other people, but they didn’t have to obey themselves, and dark-hat-wearing Squamish players declared themselves oppressed by pink-hat wearing Squamish players, who were forced to declare themselves ashamed of their hats, confess to being evil oppressors, and not allowed to write or speak. Dark-hat Squamish players demanded separate places to sleep and eat and gather where pink-hat Squamish players would be barred from entry, in order to foster togetherness. Peasants who wore all different hats did not understand how separating people by hat color would foster togetherness, but they were all ‘Sleep.’ Those who understood burning houses and stores of black-hat Squamish player was good for them, and shooting them and killing them would give them equity, while pink-hat-wearers started a buying spree for dictionaries trying to keep up with what words meant.
Festivals were held outdoors (where peasants were told they were selfish murderers if they left their homes) in which constables would be shot, burned, tortured and beaten. It was all great fun. The oppressed people held mostly-peaceful protests, as the peasants were assured by the Flying Monkeys who were standing in front of burning buildings. Un-noticed and unreported, the Wizard had broken through kilometers of Resistance-brand red tape to get companies to work on creating vaccines against the virus. Nearly a year later Mister Magoo denied that this had happened and there was no vaccine or any other work against the virus done by the evil Wizard, and the Flying Monkeys refused to ask any questions, such as “What planet are you living on?”
Most of the small businesses were badly damaged or destroyed during the pandemic, but large businesses made out well. They were all “essential” and allowed to remain open. Which caused the very wealthy to increase their wealth by several trillion while economic gains made by middle and lower classes were turned to dust. People occasionally asked questions about why schools weren’t open, why some businesses had to remain shut while others were open, and why the first Amendment appeared to have evaporated, but they were anti-science supporters of the evil Wizard and were told to shut up and sit down. Little children were scared with stories of being eaten by the Ancient One if they didn’t obey. People learned to obey and stop asking questions.
Come election day and because of the pandemic endangering everybody equally everyone had to mail in ballots on the honor system promising they were U.S. citizens and casting only one ballot and getting it in sort-of on-time. Election night the country went to bed and the Evil Wizard and Mister Magoo were pretty well tied. The next morning additional ballots had been discovered and Mister Magoo was now ahead by 107% to negative five. Mister Magoo won, at which point the Flying Monkeys admitted that Mister Magoo’s son, Google Magoo, had made off with the country of Ukraine, which he traded for the favor of China and two recreational drugs to be named later.
It was announced that everyone would, by order of Mister Magoo, be happy and all get along. Mister Magoo and the WWOW displayed their commitment to unity by promptly passing a very large piece of legislation which only gave another quarter trillion to teachers and $30,000 each in vacation time to all employees of the realm who were members of unions because they had suffered by having to work from home and get paid while the peasants were not permitted to be paid but were given time off from jobs that disappeared. Anyone who didn’t agree was not allowed to speak or write, and some were fined and put in the empty jail cells that used to house robbers.
The Evil Wizard left town and his throne, after which the WWOW decided to fire him. The idea of firing someone who had already left seemed strange to a few peasants, but they were racist white supremacist idiots, including the Chief Justice of the Realm, who skipped the whole firing ceremony over which he was supposed to preside. People asked about masks and were told to shut up. Mister Magoo emerged from his basement and didn’t see his shadow, so he had to go take a nap for another six weeks.
Science then reigned supreme, with scientists claiming there were only two sexes being summarily shot, or sent to Portland (same thing, basically). The Lion got tired of downtown Portland being burned every night, but by the time he found a few nanograms of testosterone nobody cared. He had fired all the constables, as had the Scarecrow’s stupider brother, ruler of the largest city, who let all criminals out of jail, fired all constables, and blamed increased crime on the Evil Wizard. Sounds about right.
Mister Magoo insisted that the wonderful vaccines had all been started after he ascended the throne, and with everyone vaccinated the Ancient One said in a decade or so he would consider allowing people to take off their masks while eating in isolation. Then suddenly everything opened, and rumors started that the Ancient One had paid for the research that created the virus, and that nearly everything everyone had been told for the past year and a half was a lie, but it didn’t matter. Mister Magoo was now ruling in between naps, WWOW was in charge and her enemies were all arrested for not being nice people and sentenced to solitary confinement in the now mostly-empty jails. And everyone was unified and happy and Google Magoo went missing along with most of Belgium, but rumors have it that he has been spotted wagging his finger at Russians for breaking our remaining pipeline after Mister Magoo had cancelled all the rest. We returned to a happier time when everyone took advantage of our trade policies, we were no longer energy independent, little girls were empowered to lead major political parties, criticism of China or munchkins was prohibited, and a list of subjects that could not be discussed caused cancellation of all news sources except those speaking Revealed Truth.
The FAANG gang (not to be confused with Fang Fang, a brillint Chinese woman whose association with a particularly venomous munchkin was decried by peasants who were accused of telling the truth, the ultimate betrayal) set up an effective and powerful blockade around all information not fully consistent with Revealed Truth. The FAANG gang controlled all electronic media and most of print propaganda/ journalism but forgot about pre-internet things called Books. Information was still located in some Books, and we have not yet arrived at the Festival of the burning of the books. Samples of such information include:
The six-foot rule was originally proposed in 1897 by Carl Flügge, a German bacteriologist who studied the movement patterns of fluid droplets expelled from the mouth. In his research, he found that visible fluid droplets containing pathogens travel about six feet. In 1947, Drs Morton Hamburger, Jr, and O.H. Robertson, M.D. determined that droplets could spread up to 9.5 feet.
There are two issues here. First is that both studies were done on bacteria, not viruses. Bacteria range in size from 200 to 1,000 nanometers, while viruses are 20-400 nanometers. The ability to detect aerosols, often invisible to the unaided eye, did not exist when these studies were conducted, and their smaller size allows them to travel farther, in aerosols, up to 26 feet. Second, the infected cloud stays airborne in enclosed spaces for hours. In October 2020, The Ancient One claimed that the particles could linger anywhere "ranging from multiple seconds to multiple minutes and even longer, particularly indoors when there isn't adequate dispersion," . . . In the same article it was noted that the CDC had verified earlier than fall that the virus was airborne. That was not news to anyone who had taken Microbiology 101: It was a respiratory virus, which eventually always became airborne. The key difference here was that Covid 19 was an upper respiratory virus, which always becomes airborne, as opposed to SARS, its progenitor, that is a lower-respiratory virus and is much less likely to be expelled in any significant quantities.
Also, “ranging from multiple seconds to multiple minutes and even longer, particularly indoors when there isn't adequate dispersion” is clearly misleading. The infallible Who had already determined six months earlier, that it could remain airborne for up to three hours. It would be nice if the lying stopped there. It only got worse.
There’s no place like home.
Very creative and clever.
Viciously hilarious! LMAO throughout the entire piece.