The Large Red Button and Other Mysteries

One Foot in the Gravy.

The large red button and other mysteries.

The Large Red Button

 Welcome to UltraTech, where our purpose and joy is to help you

Are you a live human being?

Yes. How can I help you?

An honest-to-God live human?

Yes. What can I do for you?

I’m using your software, and I’m in a loop.

That’s unlikely sir, but not impossible. What kind of loop do you think you’re in?

I’m trying to reboot my laptop and it gives me error code AB979.q. There is no such error code.

It cannot give you a non-existing error code.

What should I do from here?

Select the Large Red Button at the upper left of your screen.

There is no Red Button, Large or otherwise, on the upper left of my screen.

Yes, there is. I see it on my screen. All the screens have a Large Red Button.

Then select the one on your screen.

Don’t get smart with me, young man. Just go ahead and select the Large Red Button.

There is no red button.

Dial Tone. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Route 72 West

This is a real story from my own background.

How do I get to the mall?

Take Route 72 West.

Where is that?

Everybody knows where Route 72 West is.

Humor me. I don’t know where Route 72 West is.

Yes, you do. Everybody knows

Arrgh. (Sound of someone tearing out his own throat).

Interactive Voice Response Hell

Welcome to Absurdian Airlines

For Absurdian, press one. For Swahili, press two. For Martian, press four. For other options, press*142857#

(Odd sequence of beeps, whistles and squeaks)

I did not understand your answer. Please enter your frequent flyer number.

AGENT

Please enter either your frequent flyer number or the square root of your next-door neighbor’s dog’s previous owner’s brother -in-law’s social security number.

AGENT

Let’s try this. Please visit our website, or hang up and call back. Good-bye. Please hold for a 71 minute survey on how we can serve you better. Dial Tone. ZZZZZZ

The Eye Doctor

This one happened yesterday. I am wheel chair-bound. On arrival we learned it was impossible to park anywhere close to the ramp. The Rube Goldberg solution took fifteen minutes to implement, but my wife is a genius at improvisation. We arrived in the office and were handed a seven-page document to complete. It appeared to be in negative two-point type. My wife had to handle that, too.

I was called to the back, and my wife accompanied me. Step one is a long series of tests. The technician wanted me to stand for the first one. “Can’t the machine be lowered to my level?” Yes, it turned out. The next test I had to get into a specific chair. My wheel chair is stable when locked. Going from a stabilized platform to an unstabilized platform is typically followed by mopping up blood. It turned out that this test could be done from a stabilized exam chair.

And so it went, test after test. As we were leaving the office suite, I looked backwards. The sign read, “Masks Required.” My wife and I were the only two wearing masks, including the staff.